Single is often considered synonymous with uniquely flawed when you’re a woman.
There are many disparaging blanket statements made about single people. But such generalizations are most frequently applied to women.
People often consider single men bachelors just having fun and enjoying life. Outsiders believe they’re single by choice, not yet ready to commit. Whereas, women are deemed reluctantly single—as though we can’t possibly also enjoy and choose the state.
Many see a woman who has been single for a significant timeframe or is no longer in her 20s and assume something must be wrong with her. They view you as broken somehow. If those making the assumptions consider you attractive, this is especially true.
There has to be some theory as to why a woman is alone and no one has yet claimed her as a wife. Yet, funny how the theories contemplated usually entail a negative connotation. It’s possible someone did choose her to be their wife, and she didn’t choose them.
Less pondered are other concepts that place women in a more favorable, empowering light when it comes to reasons behind singledom.
Historically, we’ve been led to believe that marriage and the desire of men should be at the top of a woman’s wish list. We can’t fathom a woman turning down the opportunity to be a wife or selected as a partner. Contrary to popular perception, however, women do sometimes like to do the choosing.
We can consciously decide who and what we want in our lives instead of accepting whoever wants us. And perhaps, sometimes we simply choose ourselves.
It’s this assumption that leads to the other unflattering assumptions of desperation, bitterness, and brokenness. Society doesn’t give due respect to a woman’s ability to consider herself whole when alone. It’s supposed that she’s dying of isolation and growing cold, angry, or anxious as a result.
I do believe that these theories can sometimes come from a place of value.
Some see a woman they consider to be gorgeous, smart, and funny, and wonder how she’s single. It’s genuine perplexity regarded as a testament to her amazingness.
However, the issue comes into play when every answer to the question involves an undesirable trait. Or, said person enters into courtship intentionally seeking her fatal flaw.
If we go into a situation looking for something, we’ll find it every time.
If we make a predetermination and then seek supporting evidence, it will always be there. Every woman deserves better than a partner who comes into the relationship digging for faults.
I find the notion that she is, especially concerning. Others think that she must be too much to handle and hard to love, as though there’s such a thing.
We fall in love without trying, whether we want to or not. We don’t have to forcibly love anyone. Even if we dislike their choices or transgressions committed, we love them. Because we don’t have to “try” to love anyone, no one can be difficult to love.
The emotion comes effortlessly and even against our will.
I’ve seen women instructed to not listen to their “single friends” and cautioned against ending up “like them.” As though we should avoid this fate even above a relationship where we’re habitually embarrassed and disrespected.
As a woman who’s been single for extended periods, I’ve had men scoff with disbelief at my contentment. They grill me about not focusing on marriage and motherhood. They draw premature negative conclusions as reasons that I’m single.
Lonely, cold, unrealistic, crazy, difficult — single women hear it all.
Such unflattering attributes are applied to women who are unattached as defining qualities. The most prevalent misconception may be the illogical notion that being a single woman is inherently less-than the alternative.
Why do many feel the need to belittle single women or evoke a feeling of inadequacy?
Who carries the desire to make a single woman feel more fragmented or less worthy of love than her attached counterparts? Could it be that her audacity to be comfortable in her aloneness is threatening to one’s ego?
Imagine a woman with the fortitude to carry on as though she’s enough.
If you’re a single woman, I wrote my book for you.